StoneToss: Episode 97 (A Very Merry StoneToss Is An Idiot X-mas Special)

Ho ho ho, Merry Non-Cultural Annual Event. I hope you’ve all been very good little blog readers this year, because I sure haven’t been paying attention. In fact, you might even have noticed I haven’t posted anything! In months! And there’s a very good explanation for this. It’s because over the last couple of months, I haven’t posted anything.

I know I’ve let this blog project fall to the wayside a bit. I have to apologize for this, as real life was happening to me and something like this little blog project kept getting pushed further and further onto the backburner. The second half of 2021 was a fairly big year for me, I landed a pretty serious job and quickly got a sort of ‘promotion’ that left me working a lot in between posting on Reddit and arguing about which MOBA game is the worst. Also, my girlfriend and I are expecting our first child together and I’ve been spending extra time making her comfortable through the pregnancy.

All this to say that, frankly, I just flat-out love myself more than I love all of you. Mmm, that’s right. Daddy loves himself (furiously begins masturbating) MMMmmmmmmmm yes, you naughty little [full identity-encompassing adjective]s could never please me the way I please myself mmmmMMMmmmmmMMMMYessssssssMMmmmmmmmmMMM.

BUT NOW I’M BACK! In some form of capacity! And if you think I’ve spent the last several weeks doing absolutely nothing, you would be correct (as long as it pertains solely to this blog)! BUT NOW I’M GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING! And here it is!

Judge Dregs.


Comic Name: Gun Shy
Description: Also, don’t google the founding father’s Naturalization Act of 1790.
Mouseover: Judge Dregs.
Image Name: shall-not-be-infringed-2a-political-cartoon.png
Originally Published: 4/30/2020

What The Comic Is: A pair of hands hold a cartoon scroll, written upon the scroll are the words “Shall not be infringed”. In the second panel, members of the USA Supreme Court (seemingly Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas) ponder what the meaning of the words could possibly be.

What StoneToss Actually Thinks: A piece of paper is a valid argument against any form of gun control.

Why It’s Fucking Stupid: Yeeee-awn. You know, it’s been a crazy year. Derek Chauvin was convicted of the murder of George Floyd, the Taliban is back and Covid never left. No matter how crazy the world gets, however, there’s one frequency that has always been static: StoneToss making shitty comics. And which of his comics are shittier than all the second amendment ones? Well, maybe all the racist ones or sexist ones… but ah, who’s really keeping score? All of his comics are equally shitty!

StoneToss is no stranger to whining about gun rights, and we’ve covered several of those comics here before. The only thing more exhausted than the avenues of commentary one can possibly make on StoneToss’s second amendment comics would be StoneToss’s second amendment comics themselves. This comic is paragon to that notion. It’s barely even a comic. It’s hardly a joke. It treads dangerously close to becoming the alt-right equivalent of a Family Circus comic. It feels less like this was meant to be a panel comic and more like it was meant to be a Microsoft Paint meme you’d see on r/conservative or something.

It’s quite telling that this is the one single argument StoneToss falls back to over and over again, far more than any other pro-gun argument. It’s a mere appeal to the vague concept that the architects of the USA’s government system would agree with StoneToss if they were alive today. One might even suggest StoneToss isn’t very good at arguing for gun rights. I mean, after all, whenever you tune into pro-gun rants, there’s usually a litany of different points and data they’ll push to argue their standpoint. If you look at StoneToss and his stance on things like women having sex or black people existing, he’s no stranger to dredging up all sorts of ‘facts’ and ‘statistics’ (from increasingly obscure sources, no less) but he’s never done the same thing for gun control. It couldn’t possibly be that StoneToss doesn’t really give a shit about gun control and he only makes these comics to grift to his shallow fanbase? But that would mean StoneToss has a lack of moral conviction at best and a total abandon of honesty at worse! Can you seriously tell me either of those descriptions fit StoneToss? Well? CAN YOU??

Answer: Yes

Legalize lead.

Comic Name: Give Me Liberty or Give Me Meth
Description: You can now legally smoke weed in more states than you can refuse to bake a gay cake in.
Mouseover: Legalize lead.
Image Name: come-and-take-it-libertarianism-political-cartoon.png
Originally Published: 5/5/2020

What The Comic Is: A man waves a flag that is inscribed with the image of a condom. Below the condom are the words “Come and take it”. The man leads of a group of armed compatriots. In the second panel, a fat fedora-sporting neckbeard in a Gadsden flag t-shirt holds aloft a sign, though this one bears a marijuana joint instead of a condom, along with the words “coom and take it”.

What StoneToss Actually Thinks: Marijuana is bad and modern day libertarians are weak because they don’t fight over cannons.

Why It’s Fucking Stupid: Of all of StoneToss’s dumbass views, his fervent anti-weed stance is the probably the most hilarious. The dude just fucking hates weed, it’s hilarious. Again, let no one question StoneToss’s status as a Christianity-touting Biblethumping fascist Ned Flanders who hates all things off the white and narrow.

So let’s start from the beginning. The first panel depicts a man that we can assume is part of the Battle of Gonzales, carrying its iconic and historic flag. The flag depicts a cannon, which is a funny coincidence, because the battle of Gonzales was actually fought over a cannon! Funny how those things work, huh? Anyways, a big of background: basically, Gonzales was a colonial town in eventually-to-be-Texas in the 1830’s. The Mexican military loaned the town of Gonzales a cannon, so that the people in the town could fend of those pesky Native peoples. Anyways, eventually the Mexican military decides they want the cannon back and a skirmish ensued. Someone made a flag with a condom on it and the rest is history.

The Battle of Gonzales is a pretty important piece of history for a lot of Texans, and you’ll find the “Come and take it” cannon on all sorts of tacky bullshit, like beer koozies or condom wrappers. “Come and take it”, of course, being a historically important quote for the USA in general, first being used (in the context of the USA) during the Revolutionary War against Great Britain. Whether it’s a fort during the revolution or a cannon during the not revolution, it didn’t take long for contemporary Americans to lift the quote from its context and hammer it down to stand for pretty much fucking anything. In this case, StoneToss is making yet another commentary on second amendment rights (“Come and take it [da gunz]” being a favorite quote among gun activists to illicit a sense of power fantasy).

So what is StoneToss complaining about, exactly? That modern libertarians… don’t have a cannon to fight over? That you can legally smoke weed? I’m at a loss, as I genuinely don’t understand. StoneToss loves doing this, though. This “in the past, people were BETTER and in the present THEY SUCK”, because, as stated in the above article, it’s an easy argument to make when you vaguely claim people in the past would agree with you. Those people aren’t alive anymore, so they can theoretically be whatever StoneToss wants to make them (remember, StoneToss constructs his own false safespace realities, and no one is easier to fit into that mold than dead people who can’t argue against it!). In doing this, StoneToss can bury himself deep into his second favorite pastime (his first favorite pastime is being an incel): Claiming that everyone is stupid but him. StoneToss’s entire personality, his entire central character, is built upon exclusivity. The more StoneToss feels he can be exclusive, even towards those who form his core fanbase, the better he thinks he is. He regularly goes after his own ilk, claiming to be above them in some special Kool Kid Klub of sorts, which only the truly enlightened masters of the universe can have a seat within. This is such a low energy and pathetic way to live your life, and it speaks volumes about what a lonely person StoneToss must really be when you strip away his veil of lulznonymity.

I love the description of this comic, like StoneToss is pill dropping some BASED TAKEZ. “You can SMOKE WEED but not DESCRIMINATE AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS“, with no further elaboration. He seriously thinks that comment speaks for itself, lol.

Go cry into a Bible, you bigoted little fuck.


Well what do you say, folks? Was that worth the wait OR WHAT? As we go into 2022 I want to be able to set aside more time each week to prepare material for this blog. Not just StoneToss, but Ben Garrison and maybe even a couple of Pumpkinheads too. I’ve been sitting on a longform essay for something like a year this point, and I’m not sure how best to finally edit it and release it, but hey, that might happen next year! Maybe!

Thanks for reading, thanks for supporting, thanks for making fun of StoneToss and most importantly, thanks for being such patient little babies while I unofficially took an extended time away from the blog. I don’t want to say I’m officially coming back to posting regularly just yet, but I will make it more of a priority as we go forward.

goodnight i love you

21 thoughts on “StoneToss: Episode 97 (A Very Merry StoneToss Is An Idiot X-mas Special)

  1. I’ve personally just discovered these and find them to be highly entertaining and informative analyses of the writer’s intentions. I’m glad someone else finds Stonetoss and other like him to be as fascinating and worth deconstruction as I do. Keep up the good work!

    Like

  2. I’m happy to say, that it turns out StoneToss was a satire the whole time! I always had a feeling, there’s just no way somebody could write such stupid stuff and believe it.

    Like

  3. thank FUCK, you’re back baby, also this is Episode 97, not 74, how did you made such an easily avoidable mistake?.

    Like

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