Ben Garrison: Episode 4

Comic Name: FILL ‘ER UP?

Yes, I too am such an AMERICAN PATRIOT that my license plate reads “USA1”. To be fair, I guess, “USA1” is a not completely uncommon vanity/novelty plate number (albeit an incredibly tacky one), but when you make a comic where the tacky USA1 license plate is by far the least ridiculous thing depicted, maybe you have a bigger god damn problem than stupid license plate numbers.

So, the Trump and Biden gas pumps seem to have both teeth and eyes (I mean, Trump’s head is seemingly looking at the man, alluding to functioning eyes), which leads me to believe they are both, on some level of their physiology and anatomy, biological. Do they contain other organs, such as hearts or intestines? Do they eat? They have mouths and teeth. Where does the matter they ingest lead to? Is it sort of like the titans from the anime Attack on Titan, where it’s an empty pit that devoured flesh simply collects in? The Joe Biden monolith seems capable of manipulating his gas pump as a type of tail or appendage, does he use it to bring food to himself or do they rely on dedicated caretakers to bring their meals to them?

Actually, come to think of it, what exactly is the function of the gas pumps?? They both emit liquid (we can see a suspiciously clear, pre-cum looking dribble at the tip of Joe’s nozzle). A-are the gas pumps their penises?? Is Ben Garrison making commentary that Trump’s pee is better than Biden’s pee? Is that what the argument is really about? Should we begin vetting our political leaders by the measurable qualities of their piss? Is this the future Ben Garrison wants?? BEN YOU PISS-DERANGED MADMAN, ANSWER THE GOD DAMNED QUESTION.

If we subscribe to the working theory that the gas pumps are indeed reproductive organs and that America fills its cars up with sperm, then does this implicate the second panel as being some kind of tentacle hentai? Yes. Yes it does. Ben Garrison draws gay tentacle hentai.

“YES, FLESH-MORTAL”, the golden Trump idol boomed, “SERVICE YOUR LORD’S LENGTHY COCK.”
The man flashed a nervous open-tooth smile and a thumbs up as he continued jerking the tip off. Would he be spared in return for his service? He felt the cold, slick tube of the Biden idol slither and tighten around his throat. He couldn’t even scream before its noose-like grip strangled him. Within his last moments of consciousness he became sickeningly aware that the answer, as it was for all before him and would surely be for all after, was no. Fill ‘er up, indeed.

Ben Garrison: Episode 4

Comic Name: Woke Dr. Seuss

I don’t get it, who cut the Communist sneetches’ head off? Why is he holding his own head?? I like the angry fish with arms looking straight up like a high school football team mascot, though. Garrison hardly even depicts some of these things as looking that bad. Again, “McElligot’s Kneel” straight up looks like empowering imagery, lol. THE CAT IN THE MASK??, oh no he looks kind of sad because of the mask wow oh no. Horton Hears The W.H.O telling him to lock down, how terrible. Garrison is so fucking lazy and shitty that he just thinks “I don’t even have to make masks or lockdowns look actively bad, my dumbass readers will automatically assume all of this for me!”. And okay, point to Garrison, he’s definitely not wrong. At this point, after more than a decade of shilling to the lowest common denominator on the Right, all Garrison really as to do is draw a caricature of literally any noteworthy democrat and write SAD LOW ENERGY! across them and the absolute sentient dirtclods that gargle his shit will think it’s hilarious.

Continuing on his unbroken streak of making shitty puns, “Green Eggs and Jab” is goddamned abominable. I guess I’ll give him partial credit for at least bothering to depict the syringe as steaming and dripping viscous, poisonous-looking goo. That’s certainly a far more blatant image than Horton making a slightly concerned face at the W.H.O.

I love this comic, though. Really I do. The Dr. Seuss debacle had absolutely nothing to do with BLM, vaccines or lockdowns, but Garrison isn’t quite openly racist enough to make commentary on things like offensive caricatures of black and Asian people, so he just madly shifts the Seuss narrative to a more comfortable place, which is whining about BLM and Covid. He knew the Seuss stuff was too hot to not take a shot at (and who could pass up the chance to see the immortal characters of Dr. Seuss redrawn by a lazy, bigoted fat geriatric?) but he also didn’t want to, or didn’t know what to say, involving the actual ‘controversy’ that concerned how Seuss depicted certain people of color. Does it make sense? Not in the fucking slightest. Does it stop a bunch of idiots from making the Cat in the Mask their Facebook avatars in between being banned for posting Proud Boys memes? I dunno. Does Ben Garrison pee standing up? (The answer is no: he never moves from his computer chair and his body had readily adapted to simply reabsorbing all waste material for calorie collection).

Ben Garrison: Episode 3

Comic Name: Government The Taker

I love how Garrison can’t be bothered to actually draw some lines on the pyramid of the Illuminati guy’s head, so instead of the Eye of Providence, it looks more like just a triangle, or maybe a nacho chip. Also, is it just me, or does he draw the nacho chip man especially buff? Garrison, you dog. I knew you always wanted to fuck the Illuminati, I just didn’t know you wanted the Illuminati to fuck you. I also don’t know why, but I love that Garrison depicts the cyclops eye of the pyramid to have a normal eyebrow. Normally when you have a one-eyed character, their eyebrow (if any) is a sort of unibrow that extends over the single eye, but this guy seems to have a normal right eyebrow. Everything about this character looks like a child’s depiction that Garrison redrew in higher quality.

And what the hell is happening in the third panel, exactly? What are their legs doing?? Some sort of fierce dance? If you examine the legs closely, there’s six individual legs. The nacho man’s leg is in front, followed next by the MAGA guy. Then it’s Nacho man’s leg, then MAGA guy’s, then two “phantom legs” that are supposed to make it look like each man’s respective back leg is moving quickly. So, alright. Again I have to ask: what the fuck are their legs doing??? It looks like they’re trying to do some kind of aggressive male scissoring. Do they want to desperately touch their cocks together, but the box of ammo is in the way? Is this a commentary on how we could all have gay balls-on-balls sex if only guns didn’t exist? Sure, why not.

Garrison is too old and lazy to bother coming up with an actual boogeyman, so he just generically labels the nacho man as “Ruling Class”, so the reader can kind of implant whoever the fuck they want into the role. Very interactive, Garrison. Finally your readers can imagine touching dicks with the shallow hate-obsession of their choice.

“Molon Labe” is a Roman* expression roughly translated as “Come and take them”, which is what a gun nut screams concerning Donald Trump’s gun control. It’s also what you’d scream to the buff nacho chip cyclops when you’re face-down-ass-up and vigorously wagging your balls.


Ben Garrison: Episode 2

Comic Name: The Spud In Chief


Second of all: Ben misses the chance to title this character as “Mr. Joetato Head”, so because he’s as clever as a piss-soaked rag, instead we get the overly verbose “Mr. Potato Joe Head”. Which is as slick as anything else Ben Garrison has farted out from his geriatric yiffhole. And by the way, WHAT THE FUCK IS A POTATO REPUBLIC??????? I like how Garrison couldn’t manage to come up with any potato puns but seemingly felt he was obligated to make up at least a single one, so the one we get is completely fucking random. He literally busted his right hemisphere trying to think of any ways politics is mixed with food, and the best he could come up with was “banana republic”. And he doesn’t even make it into a pun, he just replaces “banana” with “potato”. This is the sum total of Ben Garrison’s creativity. Replacing one foodstuff with another.

Like, come on. I’m a reasonable person. When Ben Garrison puts pen to paper to make yet another artistic abortion, I’m not really expecting much. Honestly I’m not expecting anything. But Potato Republic? That’s the best you could do, Ben? It was such a bold and brash move to depict Joe Biden as a human potato, it’s tragic to let such a deep and ingenious political commentary go without at least a single proper pun. I’d have even accepted a “Do you have any tots I can sniff?“, but somehow Ben Garrison is too busy playing mobile gambling games and choking on his own stomach acid or whatever the fuck it is he does at the nursing home to come up with a single proper god damned joke about potatoes. Garrison’s work is already creatively bankrupt as it is, but this is even worse. This is the Idiot Conservative version of jangling keys in front of a baby. Oee, oee, goo goo gaga, Biden is a Mr. Potato Head! Isn’t that funny, white men between the ages of 35 and 70 who repress regrets of marrying the first woman that was tolerant towards their behavior of demanding sex in a backwards, borderline rape fashion?

Finally, political commentary for the every day man. Biden is a potato lol.

Ben Garrison: Episode 1

Preamble: Ben Garrison is a fucking lunatic. Okay, well, let’s start at the beginning; this blog is nothing if not fair to the idiocy it mocks, at least. If the name “Ben Garrison” isn’t immediately familiar to you, and your mind isn’t thus flooded with imagery of Donald Trump’s head (full of hair) placed on the body of a sculpted Adonis, then it’s likely you’ve at least seen a few of his comics posted around. He’s kind of hard to miss, being that he’s pretty much what StoneToss would look like if StoneToss was ever successful.

Ben Garrison is a self-styled anti-censorship political cartoonist who has been making cartoons, at least in his current style, since around 2008. His early works are very tame compared to where he’s come today: mostly he just drew weak, unoriginal “the government sucks” stuff that didn’t express much political leaning. If anything, Garrison often insisted that both Democrats and Republicans were puppets of an Illuminati regime that controlled the country from behind the scenes.

It wouldn’t take long for Garrison to develop his now iconic style of 1.) Making batshit crazy comics and 2.) Unnecessarily labeling every single god damned thing in his batshit crazy comics. It’s not unusual for political cartoonists to label their metaphors or specific people if that person’s caricature won’t be recognizable on its own, but it was not with an artist’s adept observational skill that Garrison adopted this practice. Rather, it was more like Garrison was a fucking space alien attempting to emulate human behavior to “blend in” with the natives.

In 2015-2016 Garrison’s political cartoons swiftly began to lean more and more to the right, until eventually his depictions bordered on softcore pornography of Donald Trump, this brash movement brought him quickly into a viral eye and elevated him from “random political cartoonist who whines about the American dollar” into “incoherent old man/Trump lover”. This is in stark contrast to a 2015 statement Garrison made where he professed an admiration, but not support, of Trump as a candidate. Some have explained that Garrison’s bizarre style and choice of content comes not from genuine beliefs the man himself actually holds, but that Garrison merely “people pleases” by giving his supporters what he thinks they want. Whatever the truth is, the end result is the same: Ben Garrison is a fucking lunatic and he draws some of the strangest “political comics” mankind has ever seen.

I’m going to cover Ben Garrison on this blog. But I’m not going to do it like I do StoneToss or others. The reason for this is because, first of all: Ben Garrison’s comics rarely convey any deep meaning and therefore can not be analyzed like a StoneToss comic, and second of all: Ben Garrison is a fucking lunatic. But I don’t want to deprive anyone of Ben Garrison. I would never dream of that. And so, dear reader, I treat you to the first of what will likely be many in what I call: Ben Garrison Is A Fucking Lunatic.

Comic Name: A Rendezvous With History

Here’s a fun fact: Ben Garrison’s website is fucking terrible. He’s a fellow WordPress blogger, and the “I’m a demented 65 year old Trump crony who draws stupid fucking comics” energy is very strong with his blog’s layout. Because it’s a mess. Apparently he has a younger person helping him (a daughter or a niece or a child bride of some sort?), but whatever aid Garrison receives with his blog seems to be moot, because despite only being a website to host comic images, it’s a tough to navigate. It’s actively difficult to browse his comics, given the layout of the blog and lack of any “Next/Previous” buttons on the actual comic pages. Somehow the most BASIC of webcomic functions eludes Garrison, which makes sense given the sum total of his knowledge appears to be drawing perspective incorrectly and fantasizing about his wife getting railed by a ripped Donald Trump. Ben Garrison is old! And a shill! Don’t bully his crappy WordPress blog please 😦

His comics do not include their creation date, and he doesn’t date them on his blog. It’s as if the passage of existence in the Garrisonverse is a kind of stagnant, constant purgatory rather than a procession of events that can be dated. You won’t find a publication date on the website, but what you will find under each and every comic is multi-paragraph ramblings written by Garrison as he explains what the comic is supposed to mean. That Garrison draws an over-labeled “Where’s Waldo?“-esque visual cacophony and still feels the need to include half a page of follow up ranting is proof that the ability to speak does not equate to intelligence.

Garrison is an avid supporter of conspiracy theories, and lent the QAnon movement one of its strongest “legitimate” voices, actively supporting the movement. This extended, as you can see, to support of the now infamous January 6 riot. Funny, if it weren’t so pitifully sad, to imagine a comic where a bald eagle (who Garrison draws with bulging, muscular mutant wing-arms, because Garrison can’t go a single day without homoerotic sexualization of American iconography) circles a calendar date with an AMERICA BRAND(tm) flaming heat pencil whose flames literally spell out “MAGA” directly aided/promoted domestic terrorist action that resulted in multiple people dead.

Also, what is the eagle doing, exactly? He’s ‘circling’ the date, but he seems to be drawing around it in a spiral, rather than ever completing the circle. Is the eagle having a motor skills issue where he actively can not attach his stroke to the end of the circle, thus spiraling out of control? Garrison tried to draw the eagle with a kind of “determined patriot” look on its face, but it comes off more like the eagle is staring, mouth agape, as he desperately tries to just draw a god damned circle. On a more serious note, the way Garrison displays all the other dates as “faded” out, but with the 6th in bold black, it’s as if he’s telling his readers “The 6th is the only date that matters, nothing before or after”. Which might’ve seemed like a great idea at the time, though the capitol rioters are learning the hard way that, shockingly, the world actually continues existing after breaking the law.

Seemingly, Garrison no longer draws QAnon nor “January 6 Protest” comics. Of course it’s sort of hard to tell, given the clunkiness of his website and the total lack of dating when his comics are drawn or posted. You mean to tell me that Ben Garrison creates media under a false pretense of supporting things in order to profit from it, while at the same time deriding the very same principle when he witnesses it in people he doesn’t like? A dishonest and self-serving Conservative? There’s just no way!